Since i know very few people read this, I am just gonna come out and say whats on my mind right now because i have to let it out. If you are a person that i know and you do happen to stumble upon this, please know that I am not normally a person who folds under the pressures of life into self-doubt.

I just want to vent, because i feel like my heart is in a vice buried in my chest, and it beats and beats, and screams, but i can't do anything about it because i've never ventured far enough into myself to understand whats going on inside of me. It feels like my mind has already decided that i'm doomed, and that i wont ever succeed, and i'm constantly trying to convince it otherwise, but the negativity always wins in the end.

I have an interview. The interview. The one you wait for your whole life and never expect to get. And i am terrified. Im terrified about everything. I dont think im ready, I dont think i can handle it. The key to getting jobs is being confident in yourself. Thats it. Thats what people tell me. But it really isn't that easy. Some people have that confidence, some people dont. I dont wanna say that i dont, because then im just fucking myself over. Maybe i have it. I hope i have it.

I've been going through all these practice questions and talking to everyone i know for advice, and my brain is about to explode. I blank under pressure sometimes. I honestly, black out. Sometimes i think my mouth is acting independently of what my brain is thinking, like i go on autopilot and at the end, it leaves me in a place where i cant possibly continue without some awkward pause. I can hardly express myself coherently now. My brain is dysfunctional.

I dont want to give myself up to the pressure.